Do you have a frenemy? Or an idolenemy (I just made that word up)? A friend cum enemy, a la Lee Chong Wei/Lin Dan. Or an idol cum enemy, a la Joseph Schooling/Michael Phelps. Someone who pushes you, through competing with you in the best possible way, to be the best you can be.

I watched Lee Chong Wei defeat Lin Dan at the Rio badminton semi-finals. The man who for more than a decade had stood between him and victory at a major competition. It was a thrilling match, but Lee Chong Wei was hungrier, and more resolute, driven perhaps by an acute awareness, given his age, that it was then or never. And by his desire too I suspect to redeem himself by defeating his frenemy for once, on the biggest of stages. Lin Dan was gracious in defeat, secure in his knowledge perhaps that the outcome of that match has no bearing on his position as one of the greatest players of his generation.

They exchanged shirts and then they hugged. It was at once a comical and touching sight – two grown men, topless, still breathless from the toil of the match, with sweat flowing off their bodies, awkwardly staging what the Internet fondly billed as the definitive moment of their “bromance”. I’d prefer to think it’s their way of saying to each other – thank you, I could not have been me without you.

Lee Chong Wei would go on to lose in the finals to Lin Dan’s compatriot, thus being denied yet again the grand prize. It is very likely now that he would be one of the most talented players, a World Number 1, to have never been World or Olympic champion. Much has been said about how unlucky he has been, and how life has been unfair to him. I’m inclined to think that that’s a very narrow way of looking at life. There can be glory in defeat, and success is defined not only through a piece of metal (or is it plastic?). Glory is in the relentless pursuit of self betterment, and success is in having achieved that.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have a frenemy to thus realise ourselves, or an idolenemy to push us to greater heights, the way Michael Phelps has done with Joseph Schooling. But we can, in our normal lives away from the world of sporting demi-gods, seek out our own frenemy or idolenemy.

Years ago, at one of those endless Oxonian student parties with plenty of cheap booze, someone asked if we would prefer to be a small fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a small pond. I remember most of my friends opting for the latter. I did not hesitate in my choice for the former. For the simple reason that being in a big pond is the only way to be stretched and inspired, by the bigger fishes, which is the only way to grow bigger, better and stronger. And that to me is a worthier life journey than atrophying in complacency in a small pond without challenges, or worse, in ignorance of how many bigger ponds and greater fishes there are out there.

I don’t know how big your pond is and what kind of fishes there are in it. If you’re an ikan bilis (anchovy!), fret not. Go in search of a frenemy, or an idolenemy. A peer or senior who challenges and inspires you. Who keeps you on your toes and makes you think twice about hiding behind excuses. So that one day, you too can become a tuna. And just to be sure, as I see this term used a lot by girls – a frenemy is not someone who makes you feel you have to carry a Hermes Birkin to be cool, or to have a boyfriend/husband/kids to be worthy. That’s just a toxic friend. Keep them at bay! A frenemy is someone who brings out the competitive best in you, so you can reach for the sky (like a dolphin!).

Find yourself a frenemy. Life will not be truly complete without one.

 

[My email readers, please click on the title of the post!]

 

It was a howl, like his heart was torn asunder. Mine was, at that moment. I was expecting it, as I do each time, but each time it hurts.

Son was crying in the dark, in his bed. A heart wrenching howl. Blondie and his girlfriend Brunette had just left after spending three weeks here. Strawberry left earlier. As I described in “A modern family”, Strawberry, Blondie and Son share a bond that transcends distance and blood. He is overjoyed when he sees them, and sorrowful when they leave. I sneaked in to give him a hug, armed with the same old arguments made in the same artificially high tone – you’ll see them in a few months! And you know that’ll come very quickly! In between heart breaking sobs, he responded with the same old words – I love Gor Gor and Jie Jie very much and I miss them badly. Entirely true to form, I teared too. I keep hoping for the day when he outgrows this. But I know you never outgrow sentimentality. I’ve never succeeded.

Son burst into our life eight years ago. For a very long time in my youth, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mother. I didn’t know if I had it in me. I had never been particularly maternal and didn’t grow up seeing myself in that role. But when he came, I knew I could never again imagine a life without him.

He was the biggest baby in the nursery even though he was 4 weeks early. And he continues to tower over his peers due to his European genes. He reaches my nose now and I often plead with him not to grow up so fast. I’m not able to carry him anymore, which both of us regret. Instead, every morning, he sits on my lap for a minute or so before heading off to school. A ritual both of us are holding onto, because we know there shall come a day when he’ll grow too big for this too. A giant he is, but the gentlest one. Polite, considerate and sensitive. Funny, witty and cheerful. Warm and loving too. He’s not capable of bullying anyone except his mother. Husband and I often worry that he’s not tough enough for this world.

He’s also an accomplished little giant. He is one grading test away from a black belt in taekwondo. He just finished his grade 2 piano exams. We’ll see if he manages a distinction this time as well. I haven’t watched him play tennis for a while as that takes place during the week but I was told he’s now rather good at it. He has also the tendency to seek mastery of a subject matter that interests him. Between 3 to maybe 4 plus, it was dinosaurs. After that it’s been Star Wars. He has impressed me – you know that bloody difficult women are bloody difficult to impress.. – with his grasp of not just the movies, but everything related. Do you know which Sith Lord created the rule of two? And why?

I have greatly enjoyed having Son in my life. My working assumption is we only have the first 15 or so years of his life. Ok, 16 if we’re lucky. After that, he’ll start in earnest his journey (metaphorically) in search of his own identity, to build his own life and eventually, devastatingly, redefine our relationship with him. I am under no illusion – like it or not, this is how parenthood works. In the first 15 or so years of our kids’ lives, we define our relationship. After that point, they do. As parents, we can only hope that we have done enough right things in those first 15 or so years to influence the process of redefinition but ultimately the outcome is theirs to decide. We are at the half way mark now with Son…

You probably wonder why then I’ve chosen a career over full time motherhood? Why I wouldn’t want to maximize the time I have with him in these 15 years? As I explained earlier, my choosing a career has nothing to do with my love for Son, it’s everything to do with what I need to be happy in my own right. Another consideration is precisely my belief that I can really only have 15 years of my child’s life. What will I do after that? Most important however, is my conviction that the strength of my relationship with him that’ll influence his redefinition of our relationship is underpinned by the emotional and intellectual bond we share, as he journeys through life. And that, I can achieve alongside a career.

I have thus chosen my battlefields. To pursue my career in the form I want, I have to relinquish the taking care of his physical needs to our nanny/helper. It’s not possible to do it all, much as I’d like to see myself as a bloody difficult Superwoman. I can’t tell you what he eats everyday for his breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner. I don’t chauffeur him around for his classes/lessons. I can’t keep on top of everything he’s up to at school and track his every progress in his activities. But I pour all my energy and time I have to understanding and developing him. I would like to think – and he tells me so – that I know him better than anyone else. I know what goes through his little mind. I know exactly what bothers/upsets him when something does. I know what makes him tick. I know his strengths and weaknesses and try to manage them, consciously and proactively. He knows that I do.

This is my choice, which I made years ago with my eyes open. Thankfully, it has worked well for both of us so far. There are moments of doubt of course, if I’m missing too much of his childhood. I will never know the answer. I do know however that we have a bond that is irreplaceable. I hope this closeness we share will never wane – I’ll do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t – and what he will want of our relationship when he’s grown up will be close to what I want.

Bao Bei, one day perhaps you’ll read this, and feel in every word a tiny bit of Mama’s endless love for you.