Do you have a frenemy? Or an idolenemy (I just made that word up)? A friend cum enemy, a la Lee Chong Wei/Lin Dan. Or an idol cum enemy, a la Joseph Schooling/Michael Phelps. Someone who pushes you, through competing with you in the best possible way, to be the best you can be.

I watched Lee Chong Wei defeat Lin Dan at the Rio badminton semi-finals. The man who for more than a decade had stood between him and victory at a major competition. It was a thrilling match, but Lee Chong Wei was hungrier, and more resolute, driven perhaps by an acute awareness, given his age, that it was then or never. And by his desire too I suspect to redeem himself by defeating his frenemy for once, on the biggest of stages. Lin Dan was gracious in defeat, secure in his knowledge perhaps that the outcome of that match has no bearing on his position as one of the greatest players of his generation.

They exchanged shirts and then they hugged. It was at once a comical and touching sight – two grown men, topless, still breathless from the toil of the match, with sweat flowing off their bodies, awkwardly staging what the Internet fondly billed as the definitive moment of their “bromance”. I’d prefer to think it’s their way of saying to each other – thank you, I could not have been me without you.

Lee Chong Wei would go on to lose in the finals to Lin Dan’s compatriot, thus being denied yet again the grand prize. It is very likely now that he would be one of the most talented players, a World Number 1, to have never been World or Olympic champion. Much has been said about how unlucky he has been, and how life has been unfair to him. I’m inclined to think that that’s a very narrow way of looking at life. There can be glory in defeat, and success is defined not only through a piece of metal (or is it plastic?). Glory is in the relentless pursuit of self betterment, and success is in having achieved that.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have a frenemy to thus realise ourselves, or an idolenemy to push us to greater heights, the way Michael Phelps has done with Joseph Schooling. But we can, in our normal lives away from the world of sporting demi-gods, seek out our own frenemy or idolenemy.

Years ago, at one of those endless Oxonian student parties with plenty of cheap booze, someone asked if we would prefer to be a small fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a small pond. I remember most of my friends opting for the latter. I did not hesitate in my choice for the former. For the simple reason that being in a big pond is the only way to be stretched and inspired, by the bigger fishes, which is the only way to grow bigger, better and stronger. And that to me is a worthier life journey than atrophying in complacency in a small pond without challenges, or worse, in ignorance of how many bigger ponds and greater fishes there are out there.

I don’t know how big your pond is and what kind of fishes there are in it. If you’re an ikan bilis (anchovy!), fret not. Go in search of a frenemy, or an idolenemy. A peer or senior who challenges and inspires you. Who keeps you on your toes and makes you think twice about hiding behind excuses. So that one day, you too can become a tuna. And just to be sure, as I see this term used a lot by girls – a frenemy is not someone who makes you feel you have to carry a Hermes Birkin to be cool, or to have a boyfriend/husband/kids to be worthy. That’s just a toxic friend. Keep them at bay! A frenemy is someone who brings out the competitive best in you, so you can reach for the sky (like a dolphin!).

Find yourself a frenemy. Life will not be truly complete without one.

 

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