Tag: Family

Tiger Mum

Posted on by kpjapi

My husband the ang moh often worries that I’ll be a Tiger Mum. He’s never read Amy Chua’s book but there’s something so intuitive about that term that he grasps immediately what it could mean for our son if my inner tigress is unleashed. He got a rude reminder of my immense potential from my earlier post, “Drive(r)”.

For the record – I am not a Tiger Mum. At least, I don’t think so! By default, given the demands of my work and by choice, as I’m going to explain.

My son learns the piano, but I don’t stand by his side insisting he perfects his Mozart before he can go play with his cousins. I don’t demand 100 marks as an uncompromisable goal for every test on every subject. I don’t ban TV or iPads, except when he’s been naughty. He goes to bed at a decent 9 pm, just so that I can at least have an hour or so with him when I get home, if I don’t have conference calls. He can have Coke (err the drinks version), chicken nuggets and pizza if he wants to. Though truth be told, I’m no longer sure if being a food nazi is a qualifying criterion for a tiger mum. It’s been a while since I read the book..

In short, I’m a pretty relaxed mum by Amy Chua’s standards. I’ll probably be banned from the Tigress Club if one exists. Not that I’ll be too bothered. To my defense, I’m relaxed about the outputs but uncompromising on the inputs. By that, I mean those qualities I hold dearly – effort, discipline and perseverance. To be sure, these are by no means the only values that matter to me. There’s also kindness, generosity, integrity and duty, etc etc. I’m focusing on those three in the context of this discussion.

I believe my son’s life is his to make the best of. My role as his mama is to equip him for that as best I can. To me, that’s not by feeding him only organic food, or getting him into Nanyang Primary School and squeezing 100 marks out of him for each test. And it is certainly not in allowing him to play as much as he wants to, or decide how he is going to spend his time. It is by ensuring that he understands that in everything he does, he has to give his best, that discipline is a must, and that the going will get tough and the only way is to persevere.

It’s very fashionable (dare I say western?) to reward “effort” but I think there’s a big difference between complimenting a child for making the effort to pick up a pencil, versus complimenting him for making the effort to do his best with the pencil. I believe the former is a disservice to the child in the longer term, because in twenty years’ time, no one is going to reward him for simply showing up at work and turning on the computer. (For ease of writing, I’m going to use the male pronoun simply because it’s a son I have, and not because I’m sexist..)

I ask of my son, from when he was little, to give his best. It could be as small as a mother day’s card. Now, it’s pretty obvious if your child has put his heart into making you the card. If he hasn’t, I agree with Amy that it’s good to call him out – nicely though – and ask him to make a new one, this time with greater effort, because you deserve that. Do I expect a Picasso from him? Not at all, because I know drawing is not his forte. But I do know he can do much better than a hastily scrawled heart, even one with “I love you mama” in it…

Next I ask discipline of him. That means when it’s time for his 30 min daily practice on the piano, he focuses on it, and puts in his effort. He can play with his iPad, but only after he’s finished his homework.

Finally, perseverance. He’s not allowed to quit something – music, languages or sports – just because he’s lost interest in it or decides he’s not good enough at it. Children tend to lose interest quickly. And the whole point of learning is to get from not so good to good, and hopefully very good. The process of establishing interest and talent takes time. If he’s allowed to quit each time his interest wanes or confidence wavers, he’ll never master anything. Mastery of something (apart from watching TV/YouTube, playing games or eating candy), I believe, is the key to building confidence for a child. Confidence is by the way, very different from narcissism. One is intrinsic, the other extrinsic. In today’s social media driven world, every child is exposed to narcissism and every teenager (even adult!) will, I’m convinced, be inflicted by it to varying degrees. In this strange new world, self esteem seems to be tied to how many “likes” you get on Facebook and achievement is how well you can take a selfie. This is the world in which my son unfortunately will grow up in. The only thing I can do for him, seeing that I have non-existent selfie taking or Photoshopping skills, is to help him build confidence, one that is guided by talent, achievement and an innate belief in himself.

So there you go – effort, discipline and perseverance. This is what this Tiger Mum asks of her cub. If he practices all three, I’ll be happy, I promise, whatever outcome obtains. My little cub told me the other day he wanted to be a world famous You-tuber or game creator. Oh, quite a change from a few years ago, when it was a taxi driver (minus the world fame). I gave the same response, delivered with the same smile – so long as you give your best, Bao Bei.

Youngest Uncle

Posted on by kpjapi

In what one person chooses to highlight about another, you learn a lot about the former.

On the first day of CNY, Youngest Uncle told me stories about my beloved Ah Ma (maternal grandmother) which involved in one instance, Eldest Uncle, and in the other, Dad.

My Ah Ma had a tough life. Her husband was irresponsible and abusive. Abandoned to raise 8 kids on her own for a period of 8 years when my grandfather disappeared without a trace, she tried all ways and means, as many women of that time did, to raise her family. One of these was being a tonkin leader. As I understand, tonkin is like a private micro finance network. The members form a cooperative of sorts, funding the club with their own savings, and any member can borrow those funds, at an interest rate he/she bids for. As the leader, Ah Ma ran the club and was the safe keeper of those funds. As the story went, one of the members absconded with the money after borrowing it. Left with no means to make the other club members whole, Ah Ma panicked and went into hiding. At around this time, Eldest Uncle struck the lottery. First prize! A princely sum of $11,000. No one knew and he didn’t have to, but he used the money to repay the tonkin club, thus allowing Ah Ma to come home. It is the one and only time Eldest Uncle has ever struck the lottery. For this act of generosity towards the family, Youngest Uncle has remained grateful since. He asked of Benjamin, his son, that should Eldest Uncle survive him, Benjamin bears the responsibility of taking care of Eldest Uncle.

Ah Ma’s life improved when her children grew up and could help support the family. She was adored by her children and grandchildren alike. It’s been 26 years since she left us, but I still remember clearly how she looked, how she dressed, and how she would cook my favourite soy sauce pork whenever I visited. Life was not kind to Ah Ma, as she contracted kidney disease in her later years. My uncles and aunts were not rich by any measure. In fact, most of them struggled to make ends meet, especially the elder ones who did not have the opportunity of a proper education. They started working as soon as they physically could, in order to help Ah Ma support the family. Mum barely finished primary school. I’ve often thought what a terrible shame it was, that she didn’t have the opportunities that I had, the opportunities that she and Dad worked so hard to give me and Bro. I have no doubt that given her intelligence and diligence, she would have gone very far in life. Anyway, I digress.. Ah Ma’s dialysis expense was an additional burden to her children, but everyone chipped in where they could, including Mum, who worked. Dad offered to share in that cost. He didn’t have to, not least because Mum was already a contributor, but he wanted to. He wanted to do his part for Ah Ma. Youngest Uncle said to me, for that act of kindness, he would forever respect Dad.

I’ve always known Dad to be a kind and generous person, and Eldest Uncle to be a loving and responsible son. What I hadn’t known, until that day, was the bigness of Youngest Uncle’s heart, where respect does not arise from wealth or achievements, but generosity and kindness. Where gratitude translates to duty where it is thus translatable. I teared…

A burning desire welled up in my heart to do something for Youngest Uncle, so I asked him what his wish was. He said it was to have all the family members gathered together for a nice meal. And to have everyone sing or otherwise perform on stage, as my talented uncles and aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews are wont to do.

I know now what to do for my birthday this year.

Chinese New Year

Posted on by kpjapi

I love Chinese New Years. I will never think of ”避年”, or “hiding from CNY”, a practice that involves taking a vacation during this period so one is freed from the obligations of this festivity. I don’t perceive seeing my extended family as an obligation. This is just about the only time in a year that I get to see them. I don’t mind them asking me why I’m not having a second child, or how much bonus I made in the preceding year (or both!). Yes, there’s nosiness, maybe even insensitivity, but I’m convinced they mean no harm. More importantly, in the lifelong battle against Time, I see them as my most reliable allies in the defense of Memories. They are the ones who can fill in the gaps, of what life in our Lorong Napiri kampung was like, what my parents were like, what my brother and I were like. Every Chinese New Year, I am reminded of what I share with these people I see once a year. And that is not only blood, but also a lasting love of my grandparents who have passed on, and a collective memory of yesteryears, hazier but more beautiful with each CNY.