My husband the ang moh often worries that I’ll be a Tiger Mum. He’s never read Amy Chua’s book but there’s something so intuitive about that term that he grasps immediately what it could mean for our son if my inner tigress is unleashed. He got a rude reminder of my immense potential from my earlier post, “Drive(r)”.

For the record – I am not a Tiger Mum. At least, I don’t think so! By default, given the demands of my work and by choice, as I’m going to explain.

My son learns the piano, but I don’t stand by his side insisting he perfects his Mozart before he can go play with his cousins. I don’t demand 100 marks as an uncompromisable goal for every test on every subject. I don’t ban TV or iPads, except when he’s been naughty. He goes to bed at a decent 9 pm, just so that I can at least have an hour or so with him when I get home, if I don’t have conference calls. He can have Coke (err the drinks version), chicken nuggets and pizza if he wants to. Though truth be told, I’m no longer sure if being a food nazi is a qualifying criterion for a tiger mum. It’s been a while since I read the book..

In short, I’m a pretty relaxed mum by Amy Chua’s standards. I’ll probably be banned from the Tigress Club if one exists. Not that I’ll be too bothered. To my defense, I’m relaxed about the outputs but uncompromising on the inputs. By that, I mean those qualities I hold dearly – effort, discipline and perseverance. To be sure, these are by no means the only values that matter to me. There’s also kindness, generosity, integrity and duty, etc etc. I’m focusing on those three in the context of this discussion.

I believe my son’s life is his to make the best of. My role as his mama is to equip him for that as best I can. To me, that’s not by feeding him only organic food, or getting him into Nanyang Primary School and squeezing 100 marks out of him for each test. And it is certainly not in allowing him to play as much as he wants to, or decide how he is going to spend his time. It is by ensuring that he understands that in everything he does, he has to give his best, that discipline is a must, and that the going will get tough and the only way is to persevere.

It’s very fashionable (dare I say western?) to reward “effort” but I think there’s a big difference between complimenting a child for making the effort to pick up a pencil, versus complimenting him for making the effort to do his best with the pencil. I believe the former is a disservice to the child in the longer term, because in twenty years’ time, no one is going to reward him for simply showing up at work and turning on the computer. (For ease of writing, I’m going to use the male pronoun simply because it’s a son I have, and not because I’m sexist..)

I ask of my son, from when he was little, to give his best. It could be as small as a mother day’s card. Now, it’s pretty obvious if your child has put his heart into making you the card. If he hasn’t, I agree with Amy that it’s good to call him out – nicely though – and ask him to make a new one, this time with greater effort, because you deserve that. Do I expect a Picasso from him? Not at all, because I know drawing is not his forte. But I do know he can do much better than a hastily scrawled heart, even one with “I love you mama” in it…

Next I ask discipline of him. That means when it’s time for his 30 min daily practice on the piano, he focuses on it, and puts in his effort. He can play with his iPad, but only after he’s finished his homework.

Finally, perseverance. He’s not allowed to quit something – music, languages or sports – just because he’s lost interest in it or decides he’s not good enough at it. Children tend to lose interest quickly. And the whole point of learning is to get from not so good to good, and hopefully very good. The process of establishing interest and talent takes time. If he’s allowed to quit each time his interest wanes or confidence wavers, he’ll never master anything. Mastery of something (apart from watching TV/YouTube, playing games or eating candy), I believe, is the key to building confidence for a child. Confidence is by the way, very different from narcissism. One is intrinsic, the other extrinsic. In today’s social media driven world, every child is exposed to narcissism and every teenager (even adult!) will, I’m convinced, be inflicted by it to varying degrees. In this strange new world, self esteem seems to be tied to how many “likes” you get on Facebook and achievement is how well you can take a selfie. This is the world in which my son unfortunately will grow up in. The only thing I can do for him, seeing that I have non-existent selfie taking or Photoshopping skills, is to help him build confidence, one that is guided by talent, achievement and an innate belief in himself.

So there you go – effort, discipline and perseverance. This is what this Tiger Mum asks of her cub. If he practices all three, I’ll be happy, I promise, whatever outcome obtains. My little cub told me the other day he wanted to be a world famous You-tuber or game creator. Oh, quite a change from a few years ago, when it was a taxi driver (minus the world fame). I gave the same response, delivered with the same smile – so long as you give your best, Bao Bei.