Is that the right term? No? Facebookie then? Or Facebookian? You know what I mean.. I’m a new citizen in the world of social media, having acquired a fb account only recently. It’s been almost two months and I must confess I’m a bit lost.

Facebookland must be the happiest place on Earth. I see a lot of happy pictures and happy faces, which makes me happy, but also somewhat bemused – am I the only oddball around with neuroses? Did I miss a memo upon obtaining my Facebookland passport that I ought to put only my best face forward? Is there an unspoken rule I haven’t grasped that when you enter Facebookland, you leave all your real world baggage behind?

What about the issue of etiquettes in this new utopia? Let’s take the ubiquitous “like”, which has totally floored me. Is it a judgement on contents or a measure of friendships? Do I put a “like” only on posts I truly like, or for the friends I like? I’d prefer the former, as a matter of principle, but are principles, like aerosols, not allowed onboard? If I don’t put a “like”, would my friends think I don’t like them or want them as my friends? Should I put a “like” on at least one post per friend, in the name of fairness? There’s only one problem with that though. I recently realised, to my horror, that what I “like” would appear in my other friends’ pages too. Am I cluttering up their space because of my complete incompetence at maneuvering this new landscape??

Oh, and can anyone tell me if “heart” is just a variation of “like” or is it a step up from “like”? And if someone “likes” or “hearts” my post, what is the cyber equivalent of “thank you”? I “heart” them back?

It also appears to me that there is a certain desirable words to pics ratio, and mine is marching firmly in the wrong direction. I have posted primarily my blog posts and only one other picture than my profile one. This would be quite easy to fix – it takes far less time to produce a picture than a post. But alas, I fancy myself a writer than photographer. I hope there’s a place for diversity and inclusion in Facebookland too?

Don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t all been confusion. I’ve reconnected with long lost friends and in two minutes, got right up to speed with where they are in life now. But two decades of void can’t be filled just by scrolling photos. I miss the sort of face to face catching up, where I can slowly fill in the blanks of twenty years, with trials and tribulations that tell me so much more than a emoji and outsized thumb can ever do. But would they want to see me?

Yes, I’ve over-thought myself into a state of paralysis – I haven’t checked in for days now. So my fb friends, this is why you haven’t seen a like from me. But please don’t “unfriend” me just yet! The problem is me, not you. I’m lost.. Though perhaps you haven’t even noticed if you, like my twenty-something, have more than 1000 friends. Any help you can offer this useless Facebooker will be greatly appreciated. Even more so, an invitation to catch up over a cup of tea.