I have two other children. A daughter, Strawberry and a son, Blondie. No, they are not a result of my teenage irreverence. They are Husband’s kids from his previous marriage, and live with their mum in Europe. It’s that time of the year when we get to spend some time with them, and Son is beside himself with excitement.

When I first met Husband, he was already separated. I believe everyone enters into a marriage with the best of intentions but intentions alone do not decide the outcome. Circumstances change, people grow but not necessarily together, they start to realise they want different things in life, etc. Life is so long yet so short. Long enough to make eternity out of every minute of loneliness in an unfulfilling marriage, yet too short to justify scarificing a lifetime at the altar of convenience or fear or obligation. Of course those best intentions when rings are exchanged and vows taken should mean that neither party gives up easily. But if everything’s been tried, in honesty and fairness, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to concede defeat and move on so both parties can have another shot at happiness, rather than grind each other’s soul down to nothingness. That’s death’s job…

A marriage may break down, but that will never severe the relationship between a parent and his/her kid(s). That love is solely between a parent and his/her child, entirely independent of the love between the parent and his/her partner. And that responsibility survives any relationship the parent subsequently has or doesn’t have with anyone else.

On both of these aspects, Husband has clarity. It doesn’t mean he didn’t struggle emotionally with the end of his marriage, or having to live apart from his kids. But he knew what was not in his capacity to excel at – his marriage – and what was – his parental duty and love. He accepted the former and focused on the latter. I’ve always admired him for this clarity.

In the years that we’ve been together, he’s never stopped loving and caring for Blondie and Strawberry. Distance is obviously a big obstacle when we moved back to Singapore but he speaks to them every week and tries to see them as frequently as possible. He makes it a point to stop over whenever he travels to Europe for work. Blondie and Strawberry are grown up now and both have turned out nicely, leading their own lives responsibly. The bulk of the credit goes to their mum of course. But I’d like to think Husband played his part too. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t always been hunky dory. There were many difficult moments too, but that’s life, no?

As for me, The Step-mother, I’ve been grateful for having them. They’ve offered me a fast track insight into motherhood, and how fast kids grow! I still remember the first time I met them. They sat at the back of Husband’s car and stared out tentatively as I approached, this strange woman whom they probably feared would be their new mum. But I never tried to play that role. My complete incompetence aside, I also believe that’s not my role to play. I try to be their friend instead. Offering advice, especially on how to manage their dad!

What has truly amazed me is the love the three of them – Strawberry, Blondie and Son, that is – share. Son absolutely adores his elder siblings. Nothing excites him more than the prospect of seeing them. Well, except perhaps for some extra iPad time.. And I can see they love him dearly too. Distance hasn’t diluted that bond. Nor the fact they have different mums. One of my happiest moments is watching them play together. A reminder that out of Husband’s difficult decision came this three bundles, big and small, of joy. In life, making a difficult decision for the long term good is not usually the worst thing. Not making it due to short term pain often is.

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